As I sat, watching the birds flit about, sunlight all at once bloomed over the mountain horizon, casting all it touched with the pure glory of a new day.
Suddenly the hymn means everything.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
A Simple Blessing
I was working on the Courage post early this morning when I realized that I could hear a true symphony of bird song outside. I needed a short break, so I sat on the patio to listen.
Courage
Things are...rough...at the moment. The Massive Neon Question Mark persists, and we're watching a lot of hopes and expectations wither.
The past several years have been a study in storms, and a test of resilience. It seemed we hadn't had time to recover from one massive wave before another one broke upon us. Lost loved ones, health problems, lost career, one. after. the other. And it was hard to live through these trials, or this one extended trial, without wondering if, perhaps, we did something to deserve it. That God was punishing us. It's a hard possibility to consider without somehow turning God into a cosmic karmic scale or a jilted lover. And it's also hard to stop that first question "did I do something?" from overwhelming the heart. We start sifting and pawing through our recent lives looking for sins or transgressions big enough to warrant This. All the while wondering about the validity of scriptures that promise God's favor and answered prayers in return for faithfulness. "Ask and it shall be given unto you." We asked! We pretty much begged. Enough, please, enough. No more. Let this one thing go right so we can leave this battle field behind.
It's no wonder, really, that Job's friends thought he must have been pretty awful for all those things to happen to him. God must truly have it out for him. It's easy for us to accept Job's situation, bracketed, as it were, by the knowledge that God allowed Job's trials to happen because he was worthy and faithful and not because he deserved retribution. It's harder to consider that, perhaps, we are in the same boat. This isn't happening because God has his celestial finger on the Smite Button.
It's happening because it's happening.
There's a song lodged in my mind at the moment. I can't remember the lyrics to any part but the chorus, so just four lines repeat.
I didn't really understand the metaphor of God as a potter until recently. Creating a clay pot requires the skillful application of pressure. Sometimes from the outside in (events in life), and sometimes from the inside out (spiritual). Most often, it's both simultaneously. Without pressure, the clay is just a lump. Useless. Pressure from only the outside makes a better formed lump, good for a door stop or maybe a paper weight but not much else. Pressure from only the inside is an explosion. Apply both at once, you make a vessel. And that's the whole point.
It's not easy, and it can be incredibly painful, but it's necessary.
This is what I keep reminding myself of while the Massive Neon Question Mark exists and while loved ones die and while nightmares come to pass. It happens because it happens, and rather than collapse from the pressure, I ask God for peace.
The past several years have been a study in storms, and a test of resilience. It seemed we hadn't had time to recover from one massive wave before another one broke upon us. Lost loved ones, health problems, lost career, one. after. the other. And it was hard to live through these trials, or this one extended trial, without wondering if, perhaps, we did something to deserve it. That God was punishing us. It's a hard possibility to consider without somehow turning God into a cosmic karmic scale or a jilted lover. And it's also hard to stop that first question "did I do something?" from overwhelming the heart. We start sifting and pawing through our recent lives looking for sins or transgressions big enough to warrant This. All the while wondering about the validity of scriptures that promise God's favor and answered prayers in return for faithfulness. "Ask and it shall be given unto you." We asked! We pretty much begged. Enough, please, enough. No more. Let this one thing go right so we can leave this battle field behind.
It's no wonder, really, that Job's friends thought he must have been pretty awful for all those things to happen to him. God must truly have it out for him. It's easy for us to accept Job's situation, bracketed, as it were, by the knowledge that God allowed Job's trials to happen because he was worthy and faithful and not because he deserved retribution. It's harder to consider that, perhaps, we are in the same boat. This isn't happening because God has his celestial finger on the Smite Button.
It's happening because it's happening.
There's a song lodged in my mind at the moment. I can't remember the lyrics to any part but the chorus, so just four lines repeat.
Sometimes he calms the storm, with a whispered "peace, be still."Trials and tragedies don't happen because God is some sadistic tyrant scowling at us over his abacus of tallied transgressions. They happen because they happen. And more often than not, God doesn't calm the storm. A calm sea does not a skillful sailor make, whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, etc. More often than not, the storm will continue to rage, and all we can do is pray for the peace and strength to endure it.
He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean he will.
Sometimes he holds us close, and lets the wind and waves go wild.
Sometimes he calms the storm, and other times he calms his child.
I didn't really understand the metaphor of God as a potter until recently. Creating a clay pot requires the skillful application of pressure. Sometimes from the outside in (events in life), and sometimes from the inside out (spiritual). Most often, it's both simultaneously. Without pressure, the clay is just a lump. Useless. Pressure from only the outside makes a better formed lump, good for a door stop or maybe a paper weight but not much else. Pressure from only the inside is an explosion. Apply both at once, you make a vessel. And that's the whole point.
It's not easy, and it can be incredibly painful, but it's necessary.
This is what I keep reminding myself of while the Massive Neon Question Mark exists and while loved ones die and while nightmares come to pass. It happens because it happens, and rather than collapse from the pressure, I ask God for peace.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Faith
"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen..."
I'm starting with Faith because it is, for me, the hardest, most elusive element of them all. Belief in deity seems hard-wired in me, which is a blessing, since I question everything else. Though belief and faith are separate, they are fibers of the same fabric. A person can believe God exists, but for various reasons (emotional trauma, questions about the nature of God, etc.) might not have faith in him. It's easy to have faith when it seems God's plan for me coincides with my own desires, but when that plan takes an unexpected hairpin turn, when prayers aren't answered how I want and circumstances become precarious, I hesitate. Sure, all things work for good, but that doesn't mean everything will be easy. When the difficulties hit, when it feels like I can't see beyond my outstretched fingertips, when the future is a vast fog, the only thing that keeps me out of despair is faith.
I'm writing this from a hotel room 11 hours from home. Dave has a residency interview tomorrow, and he has more before the end of the month. This is his last year in medical school, and we're in the final months. In March, after all of his interviews are completed, we'll learn where the next phase of our life will take place. Maybe we'll stay in El Paso, maybe we'll end up in Edinburg, TX, or Rapid City, SD, or Delaware or Pennsylvania, or somewhere entirely unexpected. If we match at all. We've been slammed by wave after wave of setbacks, tragic deaths (both of our mothers, two years apart), and we've watched our possibilities shrink. Right now, all I can do is trust that God's plan includes some relief soon.
But that trust is hesitant, because there's still the looming possibility that some fresh tragedy waits ahead. I trust that God will help us, that he has carried us through all we have endured these last few years, and he won't neglect us. That doesn't mean I'll run headlong into the fog. He might have to drag me along.
***
I wrote the above earlier in the month, and since today is the 31st, I figure I need to get this posted. It's been crazy the past few weeks. We drove to Pennsylvania, spent a week there for interviews, got stuck in PA during Winter Storm Jonas for three more days, and took another three days to get back to El Paso. All in a Dodge Ram with my father-in-law and his dog.
After all of the travel and endless hotel rooms and restaurants, we're in a holding pattern until March. All we can do is trust that whatever happens we will be ok.
I promise next month's entry will be more polished. ;)
I'm starting with Faith because it is, for me, the hardest, most elusive element of them all. Belief in deity seems hard-wired in me, which is a blessing, since I question everything else. Though belief and faith are separate, they are fibers of the same fabric. A person can believe God exists, but for various reasons (emotional trauma, questions about the nature of God, etc.) might not have faith in him. It's easy to have faith when it seems God's plan for me coincides with my own desires, but when that plan takes an unexpected hairpin turn, when prayers aren't answered how I want and circumstances become precarious, I hesitate. Sure, all things work for good, but that doesn't mean everything will be easy. When the difficulties hit, when it feels like I can't see beyond my outstretched fingertips, when the future is a vast fog, the only thing that keeps me out of despair is faith.
I'm writing this from a hotel room 11 hours from home. Dave has a residency interview tomorrow, and he has more before the end of the month. This is his last year in medical school, and we're in the final months. In March, after all of his interviews are completed, we'll learn where the next phase of our life will take place. Maybe we'll stay in El Paso, maybe we'll end up in Edinburg, TX, or Rapid City, SD, or Delaware or Pennsylvania, or somewhere entirely unexpected. If we match at all. We've been slammed by wave after wave of setbacks, tragic deaths (both of our mothers, two years apart), and we've watched our possibilities shrink. Right now, all I can do is trust that God's plan includes some relief soon.
But that trust is hesitant, because there's still the looming possibility that some fresh tragedy waits ahead. I trust that God will help us, that he has carried us through all we have endured these last few years, and he won't neglect us. That doesn't mean I'll run headlong into the fog. He might have to drag me along.
***
I wrote the above earlier in the month, and since today is the 31st, I figure I need to get this posted. It's been crazy the past few weeks. We drove to Pennsylvania, spent a week there for interviews, got stuck in PA during Winter Storm Jonas for three more days, and took another three days to get back to El Paso. All in a Dodge Ram with my father-in-law and his dog.
After all of the travel and endless hotel rooms and restaurants, we're in a holding pattern until March. All we can do is trust that whatever happens we will be ok.
I promise next month's entry will be more polished. ;)
Friday, January 1, 2016
2016 Theme
With 2015 firmly behind us, I'm ready to roll out the project I've prepared for 2016. Every month will have a focus along the lines of Fruits of the Spirit. Monthly topics are subject to change, but a tentative schedule is as follows:
January - Faith
February - Love
March - Hope
April - Patience
May - Perseverance
June - Prayer
July - Charity
August - Family and Friends
September - Peace
October - Joy
November - Gratitude
December - Forgiveness
Not every post will address the month's topic, and I hope to include posts about minimalism, and planning/organization, as well as the usual posts about things that bring me joy (like owl videos!).
I've never planned my blogs before, so this is quite an undertaking! The first post for the Month of Faith should be coming to you in the next week or so.
January - Faith
February - Love
March - Hope
April - Patience
May - Perseverance
June - Prayer
July - Charity
August - Family and Friends
September - Peace
October - Joy
November - Gratitude
December - Forgiveness
Not every post will address the month's topic, and I hope to include posts about minimalism, and planning/organization, as well as the usual posts about things that bring me joy (like owl videos!).
I've never planned my blogs before, so this is quite an undertaking! The first post for the Month of Faith should be coming to you in the next week or so.
Resolutions 2016
SP&T is a year old! Last year, I opened the blog by sharing my resolutions for 2015, so I will continue the pattern.
For 2016, I have two resolutions. I worked them out before Christmas with my Passion Planner (if you haven't heard of the Passion Planner, check it out!), and have been looking into ways to use the planner and other resources to keep them. This past week I've tried a kind of soft run to see how my self-discipline works after the holidays. Perhaps I should add "strengthen self-discipline" to the top of my list.
My 2016 Resolutions!
For 2016, I have two resolutions. I worked them out before Christmas with my Passion Planner (if you haven't heard of the Passion Planner, check it out!), and have been looking into ways to use the planner and other resources to keep them. This past week I've tried a kind of soft run to see how my self-discipline works after the holidays. Perhaps I should add "strengthen self-discipline" to the top of my list.
My 2016 Resolutions!
- I will finish writing and editing my novel and submit it for publication.
- I will use healthy means to get my weight back to 150 lbs.
So, some background. I've been working on a series of novels for a few years, and while last year's resolution was to finish one of those novels, I put it off because I had this great NEW IDEA that has grown into A Fine Gold Chain. Consequently, Courier has fallen by the wayside. As for Resolution 2, I've had a lot of trouble with my weight since developing Fibromyalgia and a few back problems that haven't responded to surgery. Last year, I started a vegetarian and gluten free diet recommended by my ND, and was responding quite well to it, but had to give it up because of money issues. I want to try it again, at least the vegetarian part. I also want to include more exercise (despite the fatigue and pain - it's always there, so might as well make it worthwhile). I chose 150 lbs as my target weight because it's doable under the circumstances, but it's still a significant goal.
I chose these two goals because I realized that 1.) writing is my passion, but I don't make it a priority; and 2.) my health problems, though not directly caused my weight, are exacerbated by it. I've let myself wallow in self-pity long enough (and yes, it is self-pity).
I've decided to add a couple of incentives to my resolutions, since I've discovered the anticipated joy of having accomplished the goal isn't enough to keep me going. I write steampunk, and I love a bit of cosplay, so my incentives are important parts to my costume. If I finish and submit Courier by the end of 2016, I'm buying myself a good pair of steampunk-style goggles. Brass and leather, not painted plastic. And if I weigh 150 lbs or less at the end of the year without resorting to unhealthy means (I have a history of eating disorders), I'm buying a good leather corset. I have elements for the rest of the costume, but the corset and goggles are my favorite parts.
I have a couple more goals in mind, but they aren't absolutely essential. My two resolutions are absolutes for me this year. I'll still work on A Fine Gold Chain - it's a welcome relief from Courier's darker feel, and I have a plan for SP&T this year as well.
Many blessings for your 2016!
Looking Back on 2015
When I made my list of 2015 resolutions last year, I put them in phone's planner app so I would look at them every day. And like anything you see every day, they disappeared over time. I stopped using the app, for one. The funny thing is, while most of the resolutions fell by the wayside by June, I inadvertently picked them back up after September. Dave and I made a point to read scriptures and pray together every night, and it has become ingrained in our nightly ritual. I started journaling again as well, which helps me work through a lot of the issues that come with re-evaluating and re-forming faith and beliefs. And I go to church again, which is a big achievement with an anxiety disorder.
In September, we closed a year since my mother-in-law's death, and we also lost her brother on Christmas Day. Since Dave started medical school in 2011, we've lost 4 loved ones, including both of our mothers. A blessing, though - my dad is cancer free and doing well!
I didn't finish writing my novels. And I didn't work out three times a week. To be honest, I didn't expect to keep all of these resolutions all year. I'm satisfied with what I did accomplish, and I know that in 2016 I can look forward. Winter and early spring this year will be full of stress and anxiety with residency interviews and Match. It's a comfort to know that we will have something stable, and that despite everything that may happen, we have a loving Father guiding us.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Advent
The Christmas season for me is a tangle of memories. When I was a child, my mom worked for the local Methodist church, and we attended services there for a while (we never were particularly regular church-goers). Advent was my favorite part of the year because as a family we would gather together on Sunday evenings (the one night during the week that we were all guaranteed to be home) to light the candles, read some scriptures, and sing songs from tattered old songbooks. My mom, who had been a florist and loved to make flower arrangements, made an Advent wreath, and I always loved seeing her set it out every year. I'm sure my mom would remember me being a little brat about presents, but when I think back to childhood Christmases, I don't remember the toys as much as I remember Sunday evening Advent time.
Over the years we stopped observing Advent. We began attending churches that don't follow the liturgical calendar. And while I would think fondly about Advent season when I read about it, I never thought about making it a family tradition in my own home. My husband is a Mormon, and I'm not sure I "fit" any particular denomination (though I find myself increasingly drawn back to my Methodist roots). This year, though I don't have a wreath or the colored candles, I've decided to introduce my husband to this beautiful lead-up to the Christmas season.
I did some research online and found the UMC's Advent materials with scripture references and short meditations. I was also happy to find Advent material from a 1989 issue of one of the LDS magazines, which should provide Dave some familiar ground. Since he grew up in the LDS church, he doesn't have much experience with other denominations. So I've used Advent to explain the liturgical calendar, the use of call-and-response, and set songs like the Doxology that are used every service at specific times. Sharing this information helps him understand where I'm coming from, and it helps me remember all of the things that I love about Methodist services.
Again, I don't have the candles or the wreath. I do have a plethora of tealights and a squat mason jar. And some votive holders somewhere. At the prescribed time in the reading, I lit the tealight in the mason jar and there we have the Hope candle! Suddenly, we have a new Christmas tradition in our home.
I'm grateful for all of the experiences that have led me to this point in my spiritual journey, and continue to inspire me. I'm also grateful for the patience of my Father in Heaven as I continue to wander and return.
I did some research online and found the UMC's Advent materials with scripture references and short meditations. I was also happy to find Advent material from a 1989 issue of one of the LDS magazines, which should provide Dave some familiar ground. Since he grew up in the LDS church, he doesn't have much experience with other denominations. So I've used Advent to explain the liturgical calendar, the use of call-and-response, and set songs like the Doxology that are used every service at specific times. Sharing this information helps him understand where I'm coming from, and it helps me remember all of the things that I love about Methodist services.
Again, I don't have the candles or the wreath. I do have a plethora of tealights and a squat mason jar. And some votive holders somewhere. At the prescribed time in the reading, I lit the tealight in the mason jar and there we have the Hope candle! Suddenly, we have a new Christmas tradition in our home.
I'm grateful for all of the experiences that have led me to this point in my spiritual journey, and continue to inspire me. I'm also grateful for the patience of my Father in Heaven as I continue to wander and return.
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