Faith

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen..."

I'm starting with Faith because it is, for me, the hardest, most elusive element of them all. Belief in deity seems hard-wired in me, which is a blessing, since I question everything else. Though belief and faith are separate, they are fibers of the same fabric. A person can believe God exists, but for various reasons (emotional trauma, questions about the nature of God, etc.) might not have faith in him. It's easy to have faith when it seems God's plan for me coincides with my own desires, but when that plan takes an unexpected hairpin turn, when prayers aren't answered how I want and circumstances become precarious, I hesitate. Sure, all things work for good, but that doesn't mean everything will be easy. When the difficulties hit, when it feels like I can't see beyond my outstretched fingertips, when the future is a vast fog, the only thing that keeps me out of despair is faith.

I'm writing this from a hotel room 11 hours from home. Dave has a residency interview tomorrow, and he has more before the end of the month. This is his last year in medical school, and we're in the final months. In March, after all of his interviews are completed, we'll learn where the next phase of our life will take place. Maybe we'll stay in El Paso, maybe we'll end up in Edinburg, TX, or Rapid City, SD, or Delaware or Pennsylvania, or somewhere entirely unexpected. If we match at all. We've been slammed by wave after wave of setbacks, tragic deaths (both of our mothers, two years apart), and we've watched our possibilities shrink. Right now, all I can do is trust that God's plan includes some relief soon.

But that trust is hesitant, because there's still the looming possibility that some fresh tragedy waits ahead. I trust that God will help us, that he has carried us through all we have endured these last few years, and he won't neglect us. That doesn't mean I'll run headlong into the fog. He might have to drag me along.

***

I wrote the above earlier in the month, and since today is the 31st, I figure I need to get this posted. It's been crazy the past few weeks. We drove to Pennsylvania, spent a week there for interviews, got stuck in PA during Winter Storm Jonas for three more days, and took another three days to get back to El Paso. All in a Dodge Ram with my father-in-law and his dog.

After all of the travel and endless hotel rooms and restaurants, we're in a holding pattern until March. All we can do is trust that whatever happens we will be ok.

I promise next month's entry will be more polished. ;)